25

Tomorrow is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. My sister and I want to do something special for them. There is a family reunion for the event. We tried to be a little creative by making a big silver 25 inside a circle and also some silver bells. It did not turn out be the beautiful thing that we had imagined. We have not inherited any creativity from mom.

There is also a little slide show that my sister has prepared. Some nice music plays in the background as we are  taken through the 25 years via photographs. It is actually the only good surprise we have for them.

I was supposed to get a few lines ready to be spoken at the occasion. However, I have not come up with anything till now and instead of composing some I am here.. blogging.

I will have it ready by tomorrow. It will not take that long. A few minutes is all I need to pen it down. It all comes down to the first line. Once I have the first line ready in my mind, the rest flows into place.

There has to be something special for them..  the 25 years they have spent together, the love and care with which they have built this home. 

Things have not always been good. There have been ups and downs every now and then. However, if I were to go back in time and change a thing or two, I wouldn't change anything. 

DON'T ASK ME WHY

There is something that is holding me back from getting a job. And I know what it is... I am not trying hard enough. And I know why... Because I don't want to.

Then the obvious question that people throw at me is "Why Btech?".

I have been asked this question every day since the occurrence of B-tech and the non -occurrence of a job so that I was forced to prepare 365 different answers for every day of the year. Sometimes the answer is as simple as "Get Lost". 

I used to ask myself the same question and finally quit pondering over the obviously unanswerable..  

It may have been the wrongest decision I ever made but I don't want to think about things I cannot change.

I have been looking for all sorts of career opportunities...from something as sophisticated as a software developer to something as sweet/strict as a teacher. I even tried technical writing.

When I get selected, I feel if they could select me that easily... how good could the job be... maybe I am too good for the job? When I don't get selected, I don't think at all. ;)

A little more than a quarter of me says, "B-Tech and You are the wrongest match ever". Another quarter sincerely sticks to B-tech. The rest of me is diplomatic..... Get a job which is not very technical and not completely non technical either. Work with people who will recognize the Gem that you are!!!!!!

Yes, I am confused as you may have guessed...

Conclusion:

Don't ask me "Why B tech?" It is a humble request for those who care. For those who don't ,well, I have the 365 answers prepared.

ALL IS WELL

You finish college. You have a job that you know will pay you enough to live in Noida. You tell your parents 101 reasons why you must join.You stay home for a month after college. Then you pack your bags and run off to Noida. You somehow convince dad that staying with relatives is not a good idea. Then you spend another day trying to explain why staying at a PG close to relative's house is not so good either. Then you win and get to stay at a PG not so close to relative's house. You smile at your victory. You start working. You make friends. You get a SIM that offers free local calls. You get a tiffin wala to bring you lunch. You work at night and sleep through the day. Gradually you stop having breakfast because its too much pain and also because breakfast and lunch almost always coincide. You enjoy life. You enjoy weekends with your only best friend. Shift changes. Your life goes all topsy turvy. You eat at odd times. Lose track of time. Stop having dinner because you are unable to decide if that would actually be dinner or lunch. You get bored of your job. Your team changes. Your friends move to another team. You wish you could take a day off. You take a day off. Tell your boss you are dying of fever. You pay one fourth of your salary as rent. You sulk. You still go out and enjoy weekends and spend like you earn millions. You wish you could see your family. You visit home. You come back. Life gets normally abnormal. You discover that your job actually sucks. You fight with a colleague. You get super bored. You tell everyone the 101 reasons why you hate your job. You quit job. You stay at Noida for another month. You explore NCR. You hang out with best friend. You enjoy life like never before. Then its time for you to return home. Sadly and unwillingly, you pack your bags. Repack. Repack. Repack. Repack. Finally you buy another bag as you have more stuff than you imagined. Repack. You wish you had not quit job. You wish you could stay. You wonder what would have happened if you had not quit job. You promise to return to this wonderful place again.You board the train. You shed tears as your best friend waves at you and the train moves on. You hate to go away.You close your eyes and hope the journey would end soon. Next thing you know is that the train has halted at a dark, unknown station and will remain there for the next 4 hours. You sulk. Your phone battery is down from all the song hearing you did in the previous 2-3 hours. Your phone balance is low. You have big ugly men waiting to snatch your reserved seat. You fight with those men. You are scared to death.You have nothing to eat. You get sulkier. You reach home at 4 am. You cry for some time and wonder what would have happened otherwise. You whisper to yourself , "All is Well" and go to sleep.

AWFULLY TRUE

I can sketch willingly

I can paint unwillingly

I can write imaginatively

I can think creatively

I can cook loathfully

I can eat gladly

I can sing nervously

I can dance badly

I can laugh hysterically

I can cry unstoppably

I can smile sweetly

I can sob softly

I can love deeply

I can hate savagely

I can wait patiently

I can mock wickedly

I can get irritated easily

I can hope miserably

I can shout rudely

I can terrify brutally

I can work insanely

I can quit suddenly

I can explain bluntly

I can be unbelievably friendly, honestly blunt, surprisingly fun-loving, smilingly unhappy, busily free, enthusiastically confused, mournfully lazy, successfully unsuccessful, sincerely willing, eerily crazy, wrongly understood and thankfully unperturbed by it.

A REASON TO GO ON

This is what I feel about life... my life to be more exact. Sometimes when I am trying to find answers to things unknown, I come up with my own versions and answers. Some may be true, others may not. The important thing is to never give up and I am not giving up. 

Life is a beautiful mystery. At times we feel annoyed and frustrated, however as the mystery unfolds, we are bound to find a reason to smile. Every little sadness and tear makes sense as the picture gets completed. Every brush stroke however insignificant contributes to a lovely portrait. When things don't seem to make sense and all appears to be against us, we cry and complain and pose a series of whys to whoever would care to listen and answer. Does anybody really care? A jig-saw puzzle, that is what life is,.. too many bits here and there.. we try to fit one bit here and another there. Sometimes when everything gets jumbled up and we are about to give up, suddenly a bit falls into place and all that did not make any sense earlier now starts to make sense. The mystery gets unfolded in bits... just enough to keep us going. Blindfolded, we move on... we don't know whats next in store for us. Had we known... life would not have been mysterious and we wouldn't have a single reason to go on.

THE WHYs

Why is it that when we look back into time, it is only then that we realize that those were the best days of our life..
Why do we forget to show our love to the people we love the most, when they are around..
Why do we never follow our dreams and end up with regrets later..
Why can't we erase certain portions of our memory..
Why can't we make certain portions of our memory permanent..
Why don't things always happen the way we want them to..
Why does the phone battery/balance go low every time we need to make THE most important call ever..
Why do we fall sick on holidays..
Why is it so difficult to plan a friends' reunion..
Why is it that we can never say the right words at the right time..
Why do loved ones hurt us the most..
Why can't we be happy always..
.
.
.
Why is it so difficult to answer the above WHYs..?

OBSERVATION

I have this habit of observing people, unconsciously of course. Most of the times I find myself staring at complete strangers, carefully making a note of their every move in my memory. The sudden jolt into reality from my frequent unconscious observations leaves a permanent impression. At times, it is actually quite interesting. When I speak to people, I am able to recall funny incidents and facts I had silently observed at some point of time and I cannot help but smile when their words contradict their deeds. According to me, there are no dumb people on this earth. If there appear to be some, they are actually cleverly pretending or hiding something for some good reason. All sweet, chubby, gullible, stupid, innocent, smiling for no reason people are a shade cleverer than you would believe they are. Trust me, sometimes, they would be much smarter than you. Driven by pity at their low IQ, you would try to help them overcome their dumbness and would end up realizing your own level. Of course you can disagree!

CROSSROADS

The road gets divided into two. One leads me to a life I am most familiar with. It is the kind of life where I will have no worries, no stress. The other road leads me to a life I have always wanted for myself. This is the road that leads me to independence in all aspects of life. I don't  know if its the right choice but what I do know is that I would hate to give up once I choose this particular kind of life for myself. To give up and accept failure is not on the list. As a matter of fact, I have already chosen this road for myself. There are hurdles at every step. Nothing seems to go right at the moment. Every little hurdle reminds me of the road I did not follow. Every time I stumble, I am tempted to turn back and take the other road. It is easy to decide what is right and what is wrong when you are the spectator, but much harder when you have to decide for yourself.

A CUP OF TEA

I can write an article on anything related to it.. but when it comes to actually cooking something, I simply CANNOT. I dont mind it, but then everybody else seems to.
Preparing tea was also a big cannot for me until the last month. A few years ago, when I was about 18, an embarrassing incident took place. My parents were out and I was in the house with my grandmother. A few guests unfortunately crash landed. Somebody had to sit with them and the other somebody had to prepare tea. My grandmother decided to sit with them and asked me to bring in tea. I was in a fix. What could I do? I tried to plead with her from behind the curtain to come and help. She was not even looking in that direction. I even tried calling her but she chose to ignore. I also tried to make eye contact to somehow remind her that I cannot. I was hoping for an eye to eye communication that failed miserably when she asked me, " Kya hua beta?". As if I was in a position to answer. I chose to enter the kitchen. I did not know from where to begin. Should I boil water first or put in tea leaves.. or was it milk??? How much of each was another problem. I stood staring at the ceiling as if waiting for a divine intervention. I did not realize that a good fifteen minutes had come to an end. Suddenly I heard my grandmother exclaim from the living room, "Shobhita chai lao beta, arre tumko to chai banani nahi aati na..mujhe bulaya kyu nahi... isko chai banani nahi aati( to the guests), mai abhi aati hu". I wanted to disappear. The anouncement was a nightmare. My secret had been revealed. It seemed to me as if the entire world had come to know that Shobhita doesnt know how to make tea. The guests added to my plight, "Arre nahi aunty please aap pareshaan na hoyiye, hum log chai pi ke aaye hain ".
Finally, here at Noida, I had to make tea for myself since there was no alternative. Somehow I manage to make a decent cup of tea for myself. It was a big achievment when I made that first cup of tea. Inspired and motivated, I decided to cook as well. I announced this to my family and friends, brought in all required utensils and also bought vegetables to last a month. Everybody was excited. Me too. Afterall I was going to COOK. I explained to everybody how badly I needed to learn to cook. "Arre agar abhi nahi seekha to kab seekhungi. Akhir tiffin ka khana kab tak khaungi... ". My exciting venture lasted a week. It had started with excitement and ended in despair. I switched back to the tiffin system. I needed to eat food and not the ashes of the vegetables. Conclusion: COOKING and CANNOT are synonyms for me.

OUR MOMENT

I looked for it all around

Here and there and everywhere

I tried to seek it within myself

Digging up time and walking up the stair

I even went down the well of my thoughts

And opened the suitcases of past

With a microscope I analyzed the dots

For as long as my energy could last

I did all that I could to look for that moment

That I had so safely kept aside

For times when life would be a torment

When troubles would come in a high tide

What I didn’t realize was that the moment had grown

In a feeling that was deep and true

And which came with a promise to keep me safe forever

By introducing me to you

 (28th august '09)

MY SMALL MINDEDNESS

I sat still waiting for something to happen. Something that was not going to happen for the next half an hour. The alarm was set at 5:30 and it was only 5:00. I was staring at the wall, wondering how my life had changed in the past few days. A month and a half ago I was always late for college and now I wake up at 5:30 to reach office on time. Time is a strict teacher and does not give up on its students. I do enjoy my work but waking up at an hour as early as 5:30 is something I can never enjoy. So, at 5:30 I decided that I had had enough of this 'early to rise' crap. I decided to take the day off, texted one of my colleagues that I wasn't well and  went back to sleep.
The office.
I don't talk much, instead I prefer listening to people around me. This is probably the one reason why my colleagues consider me an introvert. My friends know better. Sometimes I feel sick of all the gossip. This is something my friend, Rakhi and I used to quote a lot back at college "Great minds discuss Ideas, Average minds discuss Events and Small minds discuss People". We would say it aloud together, call ourselves people with 'small minds' and laugh. After a small group discussion at one training session, somebody told me that I should not pretend to be sweet and innocent because I am not. This very person had called me an introvert an hour ago. I smiled and thought to myself that out of so many people at the office, there is at least one who knows that behind all the silence is a sea of thoughts. I don't pretend anything. I just don't like to share my views with people, who I feel wont agree. However, there are times when it is difficult for me to shut up, but naturally under different circumstances.
Colleagues.
We are still under training and our batch and batch-mates keep changing every now and then. My colleagues from my first batch had vowed to keep in touch and nobody really did. Everyone wants to keep in touch but not everyone has got the time and money for it. Sometimes, we meet in the cafeteria and shake hands. There is this wonderful piece of advice my trainer once gave us "Be friendly, don't be friends". There are no friends where you work. I will always remember this.

YET ANOTHER DAY

Its 5:33 in the morning. I am writing at this hour as I have nothing better to do right now. I was awake all night and was looking out of the window. I noticed the black of the night turn into the blue of the early morning. I can stay up all night if I want to. However waking up early in the morning is a big NO. If I happened to wake up early or stay up all night, back at home or even at the hostel, I used to hear the chirping birds. Its quiet out here. In fact, I haven't even seen many birds around, except for the pigeons that haunt the washroom at night.

I wish I could get a pup to play with. Few days ago, I went to a pet shop to play with one. He was such a sweet little thing.......... I miss my pet, Candy. Nobody to lick my hands when I return from work. I could play with the street dogs too, but then again I haven't seen many. 

I think I will go out for a walk ...

BEAUTY LIES IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

Life is beautiful only if we know how to live it to the fullest. Nothing is perfect. Its all about making the right choices at the right time. When people make mistakes, we can either shout at them and make a big deal out of it or we can simply accept people with their mistakes, perhaps explain to them calmly why it was a mistake. Also, when things go wrong, we can either sit and cry over spilt milk or we can be optimistic and face the situation bravely. It all depends on our reaction. We will find ways and means of staying happy in the worst of situations, if we want to.

No doubt there are moments when you cannot help, but feel sad or angry, however, the important thing is whether you know how to overcome those feelings or not. I myself have wasted all these years of my life ignoring the beauty of everything around me. As a result, I haven't been able to enjoy life as I should have. However, better late than never. I have started realizing that life is too short to curse and complain. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Let us live a beautiful life and savour every moment of it.

FOR BETTER

B-tech is finally over and I missed the class photograph (actually bunked it on purpose with friends.. don't ask me why). Now I am at home. I am trying to feel good about being at home and I am trying to feel bad about college being over and I am failing at both. Not even the good food at home is making me feel better, which is very strange. But the stranger part is that I am not feeling bad either.Its as if I am indifferent to whatever is happening right now. Yes, of course the 'future' is a relief and I am so looking forward to it. 'College being over' is so overrated!
Last few days were spent at hostel, reconciling with everybody and writing good things in everybody's diaries, so that they may remember the good in us. We even tried staying together, chatting, eating together, living life with friends the way we always wanted to. We also spent lots of time reminding one another of funny incidents from all the 4 years spent almost together, staying up late and teasing one another and telling each other we would miss them.
Things don't always happen the way we want them to. The day before returning home I witnessed a heart rending fight between two of my friends. Of course two months hence nobody would remember nobody, but this fight would certainly be hard to forget for some time to come.
Sure made things a bit ugly!!
When two of your friends fight, you are in the most uncomfortable position. You have to decide which side to take specially when you are not aware of the actual cause and also when you have been spending time, trying hard to reconcile with everyone..so staying indifferent doesn't help much either.
So, the four years ended with a melodrama. When one of my friends left Bareilly, I cried. Somebody reminded me that she and I belong to the same city and can meet any time we want. That wasn't very comforting. Soon others left too, but this time no tears came. They are all from Lucknow, my home town! We were all returning to the same place!
Mom, dad and sis arrived. We somehow stuffed my things into the car and made space for the four of us too and drove back home... away from 'my' room no. 31, away from my hostel, away from my college, away from Bareilly, away from those four years...... towards something better.

RESTORE POINT

All I can think of now is that I will be leaving Bareilly in four days.

Four days and the end of this four year long journey. This is all that I can write about because this is all that I think of these days. So many emotions and feelings are swirling within that I feel an urgent desire to jot them down before I go crazy and yet I seem not to find proper words to frame my thoughts.

I went to visit my friend, Rakhi, yesterday and stayed over. This place has been my refuge for the last four years. Every time I felt I could not take in any more of the hostel and college bullshit, I would rush over to her place. Besides, aunty always cooks some really nice food for me.

This time, I was really sad while walking out of the front door, because I thought that this was probably my last visit to her place while I am still here. Of course we plan to keep in touch. While returning to the hostel, I looked outside the tempo and I tried to take a picture of everything I could see and store it in my mind for future reference. I want to remember everything the way it is now, so that I can rollback whenever I miss my friends. I don’t really know what else to write.

BEYOND B-TECH

Tomorrow is my last examination of B-tech - 'the four year journey comprising 39 end semester examinations and several unit tests and practicals'. I finally get to become an engineer.. 'Er. Shobhita Singh'.

The end of four years. This college was my first attempt at independence. Trying to live on my own, away from home. I had always wanted to live at a hostel. It wouldn't have been that bad had the food been good, which never was.

I'm not so concerned about tomorrow's examination as I am of what comes next.. beyond B-tech.

What will that life be like? So maybe B-Tech was never my first choice and I had always wanted to make a career elsewhere, but there is always a purpose behind everything that happens. The kind of job I will probably be getting into hasn't got much to do with my 4 year B-Tech and the kind of job I want to do won't either but surely God has some plans for me and much better than mine too. 

What I am looking forward to most is that feeling of being financially independent. I just want to be able to earn and make my parents feel proud of me for it. I want to be able to get for them all that they couldn't because of the expenses of my studies, though this will probably take some time.

I want to live a happy and very simple life. I want to relish every moment of my life and I don't want to regret anything later in my life. I want to wake up in the morning and  be glad about going to work. I want to cook for myself ( when I do learn to cook). I want to go shopping with money that I have earned. I am super excited about this 'about to happen' change in my life and can't wait to begin, as I am sure is quite evident from all that I have written above.

With God and my parents blessings, I know that I will do just fine.

CHERISH

This is a picture of my little neice, Cherish. She will be a year old on the 17th of the next month. Quite obviously I am crazy about her.. :)
She already loves cell phones and cars as you can see. A little beat is enough music for her to dance! Somehow she can operate the cell phone to get it to play her favorite song and she loves chicken....... just like me!! I am one proud maasi !!!
I cant wait to meet her on her 1st birthday

THE ELEPHANTS

How many huge elephants did Lucknow have a few years back? I am talking about the ones in stone.

Haathi Park had one, kids loved to get inside the stomach of the elephant and crawl out at the top. The Haathi Park… may be you have been there too. I don’t know if people still go there and if it still has the elephant.

I loved to go to the Haathi Park when I was little, the elephant being my favorite animal.

Seems like there’s somebody who likes elephants so much more than me!!

The entire city has elephants carved all over now! I would have been jumping in excitement had not the red sandstone particles entered my eye as I was gazing at the many elephant heads, besides it was too hot for me to enjoy looking at the statues of my favorite animal, thanks to the ‘now’ tree-less area. But obviously the trees had to be cut down brutally and all of them too so that there was enough space for the elephants to be installed. So now there is no cool breeze to feel across your face while driving your bike, there is no lush greenery to admire, there is no ground for ‘melas’ to happen and there is very little oxygen left too, but let us not forget that there are so many elephant statues to look at in awe, there are other statues to admire too, there is red sandstone in the air for you to inhale as much as you want and there are rows and rows of beautiful white and blue lights to replace the lush greenery and cool breeze at night. Oh and I forgot to mention the machinery that now adorns the roads as a permanent prop and make such a pretty sight and of course their loud music for the passersby as an added advantage!

THE BUS RIDE

The college bus takes us to our examination centre. It is a one hour journey that makes my head spin and I would rather walk the distance. To make things worse, the bumpy ride topples the stomach upside down. Today we had the opportunity to experience the worst bus ride ever, where every little turn and hole in the road was a ghoulish nightmare. The driver was probably too drunk to slow down where necessary. He merrily took us on a roller coaster ride while I was repeating prayers in order to reach the hostel alive.
He merely laughed as us poor frightened souls shouted at him to slow down the bus..the shouts then got transformed into louder shouts. Finally we pleaded with him to slow down as everybody got thrown high into the air as the bus flew over a rocky and bumpy area and we crash landed. The driver chose to ignore. We concluded unanimously that he had just found out that his wife was cheating on him and so chose to forgive him as he brought the bus to a sudden halt.

AVOID

Examz are round the corner..

I'm busy not preparing but trying to avoid the unavoidable.. miles away from college I am happily gourging and dozing. When somebody mentions books, which they do once in a while.. I turn to them lazily and look at them with such indifference they wonder why they even cared to mention. I avoid chatting with friends who sickeningly mention 'books' and 'exams' and 'studies' and talk gibberish like "how much have you studied" and "OMG how will we ever finish that subject" and "what book are you studying from" eeeeeehhhhh!!!!

But then yes, I went to buy myself a few pens for the D day! Love to buy stuff even if its pens for exams. Unfortunately the shopkeeper chose to give me an extensive and unending lecture on how one pen is better than the other and why I should purchase the expensive one for exams exclusively. I tried to explain that this was not my class 10 boards that I was purchasing pens for, however he chose not to understand.. until I couldn't take in any more and loudly proclaimed that I wasn't as little a girl as I may have appeared to him who would need such a lecture on "how to purchase the best pen for exams".
Then he understood and carefully changed the topic to "what is the latest and best pen available". huhh!
I rushed out of the shop.


So here I am, at home, eating, watching TV, chatting, strolling around, doing some tree watching, talking to my dog.. avoiding the unavoidable.

A NOTE

Dedicated to all my friends who always appreciate my articles and encourage me..
Thankyou friends
:)
Heres a little something for all of you

I have a little garden with pretty colorful flowers
Flowers for all seasons, flowers for all hours
Some violet, some a vibrant red, while some a pretty blue
All of them unique, some old and some new
These flowers in my garden, that I so much adore
Are one each for all my friends and there are lots more
To let them know I love them and I'll always be there
Through thick and thin, all moments together we shall share

LAST FEW DAYS

Life is strange.. so strange that sometimes you spend four years hating a particular place and trying to convince yourself that the time would fly by all too soon and when it actually does you end up feeling sad ..perhaps a bit too sad at the very thought of not staying at that place any more.

Today while writing my last mid-sem examination, I had to pause for as long as an hour to look around and take in of all that would be my very last sessional at this institute that I always thought I so hated.
What are these strange feelings? Something beyond my understanding. All I know is that whatever I felt for this college for the past four years was perhaps not quite as real as I believed it to be.

I am actually going to miss being at this college.
I am going to miss bunking classes.
I am going to miss sleeping till noon and missing all the important lectures.
I'll miss copying all those hideous tutorials and assignments.
I'll miss the joy of an unexpected free lecture and the good news of the absence of a teacher.
I am going to miss the sudden announcement of a holiday the next day.
I am going to miss the Monday outings.
I am going to miss the labs where we did nothing but talk.
I am going to miss the 10 minute tea break we all so eagerly looked forward to.
I am going to miss the arguments with my friends.
I am going to miss eating with my friends from the same plate.....

Its hard to believe I'll miss all this and more, still harder to actually leave.

REGRETFULLY MINE

I keep telling myself that I should not regret my decisions. Unfortunately, the implementation part is a little harder. Not a day has gone by without me having regretted something or the other ever since I can remember. It’s better to make a list of decisions that were regretfully mine and read through it once a day than to actually remember them all.

The thing I regret most of all is having stranded my best friend. We had been together since nursery (inseparable) until I finally stopped talking to her in class V, too self absorbed and too proud to notice her sadness. Most terrible thing I ever did, a regret I plan to take down to coffin with me. Something I remind myself everyday, something I will never repeat. By the time I realized my mistake, she had realized I wasn’t actually a very dependable friend.

Another most regrettable thing ever is the time I wasted studying till high school. Just thinking of all those years when I could have been enjoying and having fun instead of mugging up books makes me sick. Can’t relate my current self to that person I once was.
I can’t believe it was me studying from noon till dawn!! Look at me now!
I am pretty sure I could have gotten the same marks even if I had studied a little less. Would have had such a better childhood to remember!!!!

And then of course my very unfortunate fall into that muddy pool as I tried to jump across to the other end, despite constant warning from my nana ji. The pathetic sight that I made after that, made my cousins go hysterical for days. I got the idea from my long legged cousins, who could easily cross it.

I can never forget the nightmare of having gone crazy about that guy from coaching in 11th. Actually this regret should have been placed earlier somewhere if I was ordering my regrets in decreasing degree. So far I have been following chronological order. Thankfully I had enough brains to overcome my heart. I wish I had not made the pathetic fool realize I actually liked him.

I also regret not having talked to my grandfather about so many things. Wish I could travel back in time to talk to him once more.

There is so much more that is regretfully mine, but the above are reasons enough for me to feel depressed, so I had better discontinue writing.
To end on a more positive note, my life is not all about regrets. I have had some wonderful moments too. Perhaps I’ll write about them too.

EVENING WALKS

These days I usually do not go out of the hostel in the evenings for walks like the others, one reason may be that there is no one to go out with. There was a time I used to spend at least 2 hours outside…i.e. during the earlier phase of my hostel life (later 1st sem days). However, things have changed now. For instance the size of our friend circle has shrunk from a 10 to a modest 2.

Things change, people change, our perceptions change. Change is inevitable. Those were the good ole days, when our entire group of 10 would get ready to take a stroll in the campus. It was funny actually, we had to try not to walk side by side or it gave the impression of a long horizontal line moving forward with time. Needless to say, it was reason enough for the permanent members of the strolling committee (seniors and boys of our batch) to have a good laugh. Soon, we decided to apply our theoretical knowledge under the guidance of Divide and Rule and the group of 10 was replaced by smaller groups of 4-5 which, with time got further divided into groups of 2!

Then there came that phase of sudden realization, when the groups of 2 tried to merge with other groups of 2, but their attempts at concatenating the little groups to form the extinct group of 10, were marred by the differences that had grown to a point from which the graph never falls down but continues to rise upwards despite all efforts. During this particular phase, everybody pretends to be friends with everybody, but every one has their own reason for not liking the other person. Such feelings are sidelined when the sudden wave of unexpected conditions such as birthday treats and farewells, floods the fertile regions of the brain and heart capable of producing feelings and one has to start from scratch… trying to recollect all the reasons one had so painstakingly collected not to like the other person. Since the process takes some time to complete, everybody tries to be good to everybody else for a change (for a short while). This phase, too, is overcome with time and everything goes back to normal (the rising upward graph).

Every once in a while, the little groups meet for serious discussions as to why the group got divided and why the old familiar horizontal line that once moved forward with time in the evenings has now become a rare sight. But they end up discussing who wore what, who did what, who went out with who, who was seen with who, who got ditched and by whom, who has grown fatter, thinner, uglier etc, who has the best dress, who bought the whatever at the least price … until the actual reason for the meeting is lost and everybody returns to their little groups, feeling intellectual and updated.

At some point of time, it seems that although the group of 10 is now a rare sight and the horizontal line has been replaced by a series of ‘dash’ and despite the differences that can never be dissolved, everybody will be there for everybody in the group that was once a complete 10, whenever the need would arise. The graph may continue to rise upwards and the group may go on being divided further and the differences may increase but some tiny little spot of memory inside still blinks to remind that everybody is a friend of everybody in that once group of 10 and everybody will be there for everybody in the best and the worst of times. People may have changed with time and groups may have shrunk but deep within the friendship remains that not the worst of floods can wipe away.

TEARS

sometimes i cry when i'm all alone
sometimes i cry because i'm sad
sometimes i cry even when i'm smiling
sometimes when i'm feeling mad
sometimes i cry because i've laughed a lot
or because there are things i have to hide
sometimes i cry because i've lost all
and i try to hide tears with a smile

Bottled Memories

It’s almost time to bid adieu
And go your separate ways
It would end you always knew
And you would miss the days

You sang, you laughed & played
And there were times you fought
The memories may blur and fade
But your feelings would not

So let’s keep them in a bottle, shall we?
Let’s fill it to the brim
Let it be loaded and heavy
With sweet memories of you and him

Every time you are sad and lonely
Take a sip of the memories
Taste the days, relish the moments
Soft as cotton buds & sweet as cherries

God works in mysterious ways

How do you pray? Do you spend hours praying? What do you say while you pray? Do you pray just before exams and important interviews or do you... say a prayer just for the sake of it because its something you do every morning and night? What do you actually have to say to God? I would like to know what people say when they pray. Me, I don't pray. I talk. I feel better when I'm having a conversation. I have a lot to discuss, many questions to ask, many things to thank Him for, a lot to fight about, and of course things to apologize for. Its a personal thing. There's no fixed time, yet these conversations happen very often. I see my friends pray every morning before they leave for college. I read a book before I leave for college, Its called Daily Bread. Theres an article with quotes from the Bible for each day morning and night. I have been reading the book for the past 3 years and every time I find it to be different, somehow. I look for the answers in it and I find them. I find comfort when I am sad, I am reminded of the wrong things I do when I need to be reminded. God works in mysterious ways. He provides answers to my questions and he provides a shoulder for me to cry on when I am sad, in ways I could never comprehend.
Few days ago, I was very disappointed with my life because I could not get through any interview and I was so disheartened I almost told myself I wasn't good enough.
So, I talked to God and told him to do what he thinks best for me and guess what... the next day I got through the interview. All I know is that His plans are best for me. Maybe I do not get all that I want, but He makes sure I get all that I truly need. Just when I think I can never succeed in getting through an interview, I get through one. Just when I was ready to give up, I got something to look forward to. I am talking about mysterious ways.

MOM

I am a hosteler and I get to visit home every alternate month or so
I hate the food at the mess and there is no provision for students to cook for themselves
I hate to miss meals however bad they may be
'something is better than nothing'
and I cannot bear to be hungry
such moments remind me of how my mom always knows what I like best
when I'm home, I get to eat whatever I want to
so I prepare a list of ever thing I wanna eat and dictate it to mom over the phone when in the train
soon as I reach home, I find a plate full of kebabs waiting just for me :)
that doesn't mean I don't fight with her
soon as I finish the kebabs, I find some thing to argue about
that's just me and mom,
we need to fight and argue
that's the only way we communicate
and we both love it
my mom is the sweetest person anybody could have ever met
she is so unaware of anything bad, you would want to hug her for it
but I would rather fight
she just told me dad wanted to surprise me by visiting me sometime soon
and then realizing she had told me something I should not have known,
she asked me not to tell dad that I knew :D
and then laughed for 1 whole minute at herself
:)
when I'm home I spend the whole time arguing with her
and before I know it, its time to get back to hostel
and then I miss her all the time

THE UNSAID

While walking down the road today
Wishing i didn't have to walk alone
I thought of times when you and i
Walked together, walked along

Of times when we would talk of things
Each wanting the other to know
Not realizing then, a smile it brings
As i think of the time, wanting more

We watched the tall, slim, pretty trees
Swaying about with the breeze
The twigs that carpeted the road
We walked together over rustling leaves

And oft we watched the sun set
Watching the yellow turn red
Too often as we would hold hands
Listen to things,heard best when left unsaid

Now walking alone down the road
The sun wont set, the trees wont sway
And the unsaid now i speak to you
Without you, dear, nothing is the same.

RELIVING BTECH

1st year:
1st day:
1st hour: very happy and excited... with the new concept of college and hostel life
happily unpacking, meeting roommates, saying hello
smiling :)
and the next moment we are in mismatching salwar kurta and chunni
heavily oiled hair, tightly plated
eyes down .. murmuring "shubh saaykaal mahodaya ji" to our seniors and superseniors, very often mistaking our own batch mates for our seniors
unhappily heading towards the mess at 7 pm for dinner..
queued up
seniors crisscrossing our queue to access the food..
for an hour we stand at the same spot until it is finally our turn
no talking while eating
no looking up while eating
mess rules.. nobody but the 1st years follow
seniors suppressing their laughter at our sorry sight
me.. too shocked to react :P
no phones allowed: so long queues at the only PCO
no wrist watches allowed
no bags allowed: carry your stuff in your hands
weirdly pinned up dupattas
wishing every senior on the way and stopping only to breathe
ragging
seniors getting rusticated for ragging...
away from home like never before
missing mom and dad like never before
feeling independent like never before
happily confused like never before

life beyond 1st year was getting better
1st year : the longest, the best and the worst ends
.
.
finally we become seniors
we have juniors
ragging gets banned
and life gets easier(for our juniors)
semesters fly by
good and bad moments alternating
and now unbelievably, just 2 and half months more and b-tech ends
its hard to decide whether to be happy or sad

YOU

Look at the moon in the dark, cloudy sky
Not a single star stares down at you
The moon looks familiar, do you know why?
Its your reflection falling back at you

Remember the day you were crying
And there was no one around to soothe you?
You looked at your reflection in the mirror, sighing
And suddenly you almost realized you knew

That why once when you had gone out at night
Just to take a stroll all by yourself
You'd wondered how a single moon had all that light
Sprinkling it down night after night, all by itself

And still it lost none of its shine
Yet there were days when there were no stars
To soothe the moon when dark clouds bore sign
Of the moons sad and lonely hours

Yes that's you, staring at your reflection
And you shine because you know you must
Stars from far look at you in admiration
They always knew in you they could trust

That's the real you, the moon that will always shine
Even when there are no stars and clouds are all around
The moon that no matter what always looks fine
So grand, so composed, so humble .. so fine
THAT IS YOU.

EFFERVESCENCE

Sometimes sitting alone in a room is what you want the most of all things

You want to think and rethink and that’s all you want to do

Sometimes you don’t want to be offered advice

You know you were wrong and you can deal with it, so should the others

Sometimes your best friends hurt you more than your worst enemies

That’s what makes your heart cry out aloud

Sometimes you begin to hate someone you used to love

Nothing could be more painful

Sometimes you don’t want to eat your favorite dish

You feel your stomachs full when its not

Sometimes your life seems to be meaningless and vain

You want to know why you are here

Sometimes you just want to give up

And see what happens next

Sometimes you realize it is not the money or fame that you want

You doubt if you could spend the rest of your life with it if you had it

Sometimes all you need is love

When all you have is a broken heart and a broken soul

Sometimes nothing seems to go right

That’s when you realize you took the wrong path

Sometimes you want someone to share your feelings with

Someone who would not say a word, just hold you tight

RANDOM WORDS

I speak of magic
Magical ink that falls onto the blank sheet and rearranges itself into beautiful words
Words that once read can never be forgotten
Words that once heard keep echoing
Words that speak of memories and things from the past
The past that was carefully sealed under the worn out label of childhood
Childhood, not the way it is remembered but the way it was
Words that cling to the soul and refuse to leave
Words that touch the heart so deep almost jolting one out of sleep
Sleep that never lasts long enough for us to see where the dream would end
Dreams that always leave behind a trace of something we cannot recall
Faded past, yellowish pages of diary, and flat dried flowers
Words that stir up the magic that has dried up like the flowers
Magic to make the flowers smile
Magic to weave the clouds into faces and fairies
Magic to sing to the birds
Songs that restart what was stopped long ago
Words that create magic