Letting Go

It was as if they were both sliding down with nothing to hold onto except each other. They could see nothing ahead and they knew nothing else except that they had each other and somehow it seemed to be enough. Nothing else mattered and nobody else existed in their perfect world. They were together even when miles apart. The distance had only succeeded in increasing the intensity with which they needed each other both physically and emotionally. Such pure was the lust that it had to be love. So tight would their arms be wrapped around the other that they no longer seemed to have an understanding of right and wrong. They were happy like they had never been before. They fit into each other perfectly and filled the gap like none other. As if the mould had been broken right after they had been created just for each other and now that they had finally been reunited they didnt want to let go, afraid that they might lose each other forever. In their hearts they knew they were strangely perfect for each other even though they will never be together. So they held onto each other one last time, breathing in as much of each other as they could to last a lifetime before they finally let go. 

Forever Young

Few days ago, I realized I wasn't too many years away from turning thirty. I have already spent almost one third of my life, maybe more. Suddenly, I felt very old. I couldn't help but think about my life and my decisions. My life didn't turn out as I had imagined it would. Yet, all is good.

There were times, that I believed, were the worst moments of my life. Wrong decisions that I regretted for too long. Nothing is as bad as it seems. Everything happens for a reason, for me, at least. Time does heal all wounds. And if you wait just long enough, you do find your soul mate. Nothing is impossible, as long as you believe. People change. God answers prayers. If you don't use your talents, they go away. It was a scary thought. So, I decided to keep on sketching. 

I think we should never forget that we are mortals. It keeps us on track. Not that I am afraid of dying, but dying without fulfilling the purpose of my life or at least doing something worthwhile isn't very comforting, specially since I am still trying to figure it out. Sometimes, when I listen to a beautiful song or watch an awesome movie, I feel like I am seventeen again. There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go to, so many books to read and people to meet. With so much to do, time does seem quite precious.

The last three months of my life were very dark. At one point of time, I felt like I was losing my mind. Who would want to be bedridden for three months? I avoided friends and relatives, to avoid being asked about my leg injury. I didn't feel like working any more. I began to believe that I would never be able to walk again. I was angry. I cried as I watched other people walk, while I barely managed to limp my way to the washroom. Soon, I realized that no amount of crying and sulking would make my leg any better and I wondered how people with worse injuries managed? What would I do if I couldn't walk again? I would have to manage somehow. Luckily, my leg is much better now, although full recovery is still weeks away. I think the last three months have made me a stronger person in many ways. 

What we don't realize is how little time we have to be happy and to enjoy our blessings. Feel blessed to be alive, spread happiness and make the most of what you have. There is no time like the present. You are only as old as you feel. 

Cheers!

For Dad

Something I wrote for my dad on his birthday...

On this most special day
I have a little prayer to say
A lot of happiness, health and smiles
Good days to come, love spread for miles
All this I want for my dear dad
And all good things to this must add
For the man who loves me no matter what
Dear dad I too adore you a lot
I'll always be your little girl
No matter what turn life may swirl
This day I pray long life for you
And each day be special with joys anew

Better than words

I use words to express myself. But at some point, words fail. When I pick up my pen to write but words don't come. And then I realize that all that is left is music. Music does not need words. But words need music to be meaningful. Not every body can understand music, the depth of it. I myself don't know much about it. What I do know is that sometimes I cant sleep because of a simple song. I have to listen to it over and over again and I cry. I don't always know why. Sometimes I smile as music calms my soul. Music is magical. If anything could be magical then it has to be music. It does not need any words. There cannot be a better way of expression. It has existed forever. It has to be magical.    

Reviewing my life in the last two years

This is my last week at office. One and a half year flew by pretty quickly. It seems as if it was only yesterday when I finished college and now its time to move on to another phase of life. I am not easily scared but this fear of the unknown has successfully managed to introduce me to worried, sleepless nights. I don't know what lies ahead. One thing I do know is that I will not be alone, and that makes me feel much better. Anyways, the last two years have taught me that every single moment of life is precious. We may not get everything in our life but whatever we had, have or will have is what was, is or will be best for us. I don't regret anything that I did in these two years! Everything that happened, happened for a purpose. I made new friends, I lost some. I learned to love. I learned that hate is an extreme form of love. I learned that sacrifices have to be made to move ahead in life. Most of all I now know that I am in no position to judge anybody. As I often say, good and bad are relative terms. But the last two years have made me understand what this last line actually means.
Every little bit of my life is important. The past makes me laugh, smile, cry, remember, gain courage and gives me the strength to move on. The present makes me hope for an even better tomorrow. Its true that in the end, people regret what they didnt do more than what they did. As of now, I am glad I did whatever my heart told me to do and I wouldn't change a thing because I did whatever I could. Life is driven by love. Every step we take is an act of love, towards ourselves, our family, our friends or our life partner. And what is driven by love can never be wrong.  

What do you think?

For those who believe.. life is not just about having fun and doing things you like.. because at one point of time in life.. we all wonder why we exist. If at that point we choose to do something worthwhile, life changes drastically... from being inspired we become the inspiration. We may however choose to do nothing. It all comes down to the fact that a day will come where we will all have to go back in time and remember everything that we did.. Will you be ashamed of your life or will you be proud..? Will you be glad you did what you did or will you regret that you never tried?

The House

Remember

When we were young and fools in love

And cupid laughed from up above

We had a plan to love, laugh and smile

Life had other plans, appeared in a while

It was gone forever, all that we knew

A life began where friends were few

Its true most things don’t last forever

But it’s a good thing we can remember

What couldn’t last will never fade

As we smile at the happiness we made

Through Tinted Glass

Silent sea, calm is the breeze
Happy birds surround tall, swaying trees
Golden sun, lush green is the grass
As I see the world through tinted glass


I see a world of beauty, love and trust
The tinted glass wipes out the dust
It shows what I want to see and feel
Though what looks pretty may not always be real


As I look through the glass, I see
A girl who looks a lot like me
I see her smile as she looks around
She is glad in this world she has finally found


What lies beyond may be unreal
But it’s the only place that won’t reveal
The fear that tears at her heart and soul
She is sure only the surreal can hide this hole


When all of a sudden you come into her life
You hold her hand and end her strife
You take the tinted glass and throw it away
"You don't need it anymore", to her you say....


I smile as I look at your hand in mine
I realize that now everything looks fine
The world looks better when you're with me
And that I don't need a tinted glass to see

I am just being me

There were good things I should have said
but I didn't say
There were difficult times when I should have prayed
but I didn't pray
There were kind deeds I should have done
but I didnt do
There were times I shouldn't have lied
but I wasn't true
There are moments when I don't know what is right
what is wrong
There are situations where I look frail and weak
but I am strong
There are days when I wonder
why you love me
There are many good things that I am not
but I could be
Instead I am bad, mad and crazy
but I am just being me 

When In Love

I don’t hate you

I never did and never will
I just didn’t know it then
when I told you and still

I think of you
Yes, its true
Its hard I know
For both me and you

What can be done
Some things are not meant to be
You will always be the one
The only one for me

Cause love lasts longer
Than we can ever realize
We feel weak but get stronger
As foolishly we grow wise

'sick'ening

When you are sick and have to spend the entire day at home in bed, time stands still. All the free time makes you crazy. There are not enough shows on the TV and the books are not interesting enough either. The food isn’t good enough to eat and nobody has the time to talk to you. Oh I hate it!

All I can think of is how much work would be pending on my desk when I return to office. Somehow, I like to believe that I am one of those people who are very strong when it comes to getting sick. I avoid medicines for as long as possible and I like to stay outdoors and enjoy in both sickness and health. This is hard for me. I have been glued to the bed for the past 30 hours and life has been miserable.

I would give anything to get out of the house right now. The yucky taste of sickening fever is creeping though my throat down into my stomach. Why did I have to get sick?

I had freezing vanilla ice-cream and hot chocolate walnut pudding at the same time. The delicious flavors that were casting awesome magic spells on my taste buds were doing me some real harm at the same time. Also, getting soaked in the rain had its own side effects too.

I hate you, fever and sickness….. :[





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The Fools

One thousand things unsaid

Some letters remain unread

Those people think we are fools

They think the wise man rules

How silly can they be

That say but cannot see

What happens isn’t true

To foolishness they are new

Such fools as you and me

That know wise men aren’t free

Cause wisdom to them was sold

To rich men as they told

Who know what they can buy

Is a truth they know is a lie

That the ruler never was wise

Was always known to the fool’s eyes

The letters remain unread

A thousand things unsaid

The wise speak day and night

The fools laugh at the sight

BEING HAPPY

Every one of us is in search of happiness. We seek it in every little thing we do. We may wake up late or early depending on whatever makes us happy. We may study or not, play outside or sit at home with a book, eat or diet and so on and so forth.

Unfortunately, not all our efforts culminate at happiness. I feel that happiness depends on our attitude. If you want to be happy then you will be, no matter what the circumstance.

I know that not all of us are capable of it. Well, I am not for sure. I know that I am short tempered and I ruin my chances at remaining happy almost always. However, I do realize that at some exceptional moments, I have succeeded in maintaining my calm despite nerve wracking circumstances. I want to try and remain happy or at least normal for some longer period of time. I wish I can be that person always.

Who wants a frown when there is a possibility of smile?

There are these few people around us who never seem to get angry at all, they are always laughing, having fun and enjoying life. I like to be around such people. It gives me a chance to try to become more like them. Maybe it is true that we need to give vent to anger rather than keep it within us. Wouldn’t it be better to try not to develop that anger, thus, eliminating the ‘venting’?

I guess I should stop blaming everyone around me when things go wrong. Accepting reality and dealing with it should do the trick. I need to be happy and content with what I have; yet, I should never lose hope for attaining better things in life. I should laugh more and make others cry less. I should remain in the vicinity of positive energy for as long as possible. I should forgive more, thank more, admire more and crib and complain less. I know it is easier said than done. But, this time I don't want to be sad when I could have been happy.

:)

Old Diaries and Photographs

I remember how I used to stay inside the hostel all day long avoiding classes and classmates. I would sleep for hours and sometimes emerge out of the room only for lunch and dinner. Juniors did not know any senior called Shobhita!  Batch mates thought I was their junior. I wish I had spent a little more time outdoors. And its not just about 4 years at college, it’s about ‘always’.

Whenever I have had friends around me, I have avoided them. Today, suddenly I feel so alone. I miss friends. So much that I had to look for my old diaries and read every page to avoid loneliness. I went through old photographs too.

Life leads us to such moments in life where all we have is regret. No amount of consolation is enough.

The worst thing is that there is nothing I can do to change the past.

All we can do with time is to use it judiciously. There is no reverse gear in real life.

I miss all my friends.

THE CHANGE

Everything changes with time. And we are too busy to notice the gradual change.

However, when we do get time to look up from our busy lives, we realize that we are in a completely different place with strangers all around. Strangers who were friends or people we knew well at one point of time. We are forced to strain our memory and try to think of the reason behind it all.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I distinctly remember this happening to me. I have always loved my friends and I know that they are the best friends any one could ever have. I believed that we were inseparable. I had never ever imagined that things could ever go wrong with us. I guess I was wrong. I got so busy with so many other things that I don’t even know when exactly the rift began. And it was too late by the time I did.

This post is dedicated to my oldest and bestest friends.

I know that things will never be the same for our group. However, I will always cherish our friendship that made the school worth attending, life worth living and so many other things worth doing!

Beyond Living Room Conversations

On my way back from office, I saw social activists holding candles and protesting peacefully against corruption..

It is moments such as these, that make me think in a completely different direction. We get super excited about a cricket match. Spend an entire day glued to the TV set and burn crackers with joy at India's victory. The entire nation unites for a game and celebrates as the Indian team brings home the World Cup and we return to our normal routines. Don't get me wrong.. I was one of the revelers too. The question is whether that same unity will be available now when it is actually required. Our support for a noble cause sparks in a conversation, where we express our strong opinions and the sparks die off as soon as the conversation is over. How many of us will  actually go out there and do what we preach and strongly approve of? Hopefully, this protest will unite India like never before and the sparks will last beyond conversations, thus putting an end to corruption.

IN TURN

Let me sketch my thoughts on the sand
Watch as the waves destroy

Let me close my eyes for a while

Hear the best moments pass by

Let me know what it is to be dead

To enjoy being alive

Let me justify my existence

By doing something worthwhile

Let me find the difference

My life is supposed to make

Let me be a coward

Prepare for risks I need to take

Let me do things my way

Let me fail repeatedly and learn

Let me watch success go by

I will know it all, in turn

THE PRICE TAG

I have a job now. I am in Lucknow, my hometown. I don't have to worry about cooking anymore! My parents are happy, they couldn't have been happier. This is what they had always wanted.
This  life is so different from what I expected. What I had expected has already occurred and ended.

I lived my dream for five months. I was away from home. I had fun. I was cooking for myself. I was  happily worried about lots of things. I was living life my way and I loved it. Don't get me wrong. I like this job too. I like living with my parents. I am glad I don't have to cook. 

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had continued to live my dream. Why did I give up all that? Why did I choose to return? Why??? I wish I knew why. 

I'm lying, I know why. Its just too hard to accept. I gave it all up for my family. I had everything I wanted minus my family. It was the hardest decision I ever made. Too bad, everything comes with a price tag attached. If you have everything you always wanted and never had to give up anything in exchange for anything, then I envy you with all my heart. I didn't want to barter but I fell short of choices. In fact, I had none. I had to give up my dream for something I always had. Its so amazingly confusing. I like my decision but I hate the fact that I had to give up my dream in exchange.

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." Sir Winston Churchill 

All the best decisions come with an enormous amount of sadness and with a promise of happiness in the end. I am not as happy as I would have liked to be, but then, this is not the end.  

SUGAR

Hi friends,

SUGAR is a blog I have recently created. I have posted pics of a few of the cards Iv made in it.
http://sugarcubeshoneybee.blogspot.com/

:)

25

Tomorrow is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary. My sister and I want to do something special for them. There is a family reunion for the event. We tried to be a little creative by making a big silver 25 inside a circle and also some silver bells. It did not turn out be the beautiful thing that we had imagined. We have not inherited any creativity from mom.

There is also a little slide show that my sister has prepared. Some nice music plays in the background as we are  taken through the 25 years via photographs. It is actually the only good surprise we have for them.

I was supposed to get a few lines ready to be spoken at the occasion. However, I have not come up with anything till now and instead of composing some I am here.. blogging.

I will have it ready by tomorrow. It will not take that long. A few minutes is all I need to pen it down. It all comes down to the first line. Once I have the first line ready in my mind, the rest flows into place.

There has to be something special for them..  the 25 years they have spent together, the love and care with which they have built this home. 

Things have not always been good. There have been ups and downs every now and then. However, if I were to go back in time and change a thing or two, I wouldn't change anything. 

DON'T ASK ME WHY

There is something that is holding me back from getting a job. And I know what it is... I am not trying hard enough. And I know why... Because I don't want to.

Then the obvious question that people throw at me is "Why Btech?".

I have been asked this question every day since the occurrence of B-tech and the non -occurrence of a job so that I was forced to prepare 365 different answers for every day of the year. Sometimes the answer is as simple as "Get Lost". 

I used to ask myself the same question and finally quit pondering over the obviously unanswerable..  

It may have been the wrongest decision I ever made but I don't want to think about things I cannot change.

I have been looking for all sorts of career opportunities...from something as sophisticated as a software developer to something as sweet/strict as a teacher. I even tried technical writing.

When I get selected, I feel if they could select me that easily... how good could the job be... maybe I am too good for the job? When I don't get selected, I don't think at all. ;)

A little more than a quarter of me says, "B-Tech and You are the wrongest match ever". Another quarter sincerely sticks to B-tech. The rest of me is diplomatic..... Get a job which is not very technical and not completely non technical either. Work with people who will recognize the Gem that you are!!!!!!

Yes, I am confused as you may have guessed...

Conclusion:

Don't ask me "Why B tech?" It is a humble request for those who care. For those who don't ,well, I have the 365 answers prepared.

ALL IS WELL

You finish college. You have a job that you know will pay you enough to live in Noida. You tell your parents 101 reasons why you must join.You stay home for a month after college. Then you pack your bags and run off to Noida. You somehow convince dad that staying with relatives is not a good idea. Then you spend another day trying to explain why staying at a PG close to relative's house is not so good either. Then you win and get to stay at a PG not so close to relative's house. You smile at your victory. You start working. You make friends. You get a SIM that offers free local calls. You get a tiffin wala to bring you lunch. You work at night and sleep through the day. Gradually you stop having breakfast because its too much pain and also because breakfast and lunch almost always coincide. You enjoy life. You enjoy weekends with your only best friend. Shift changes. Your life goes all topsy turvy. You eat at odd times. Lose track of time. Stop having dinner because you are unable to decide if that would actually be dinner or lunch. You get bored of your job. Your team changes. Your friends move to another team. You wish you could take a day off. You take a day off. Tell your boss you are dying of fever. You pay one fourth of your salary as rent. You sulk. You still go out and enjoy weekends and spend like you earn millions. You wish you could see your family. You visit home. You come back. Life gets normally abnormal. You discover that your job actually sucks. You fight with a colleague. You get super bored. You tell everyone the 101 reasons why you hate your job. You quit job. You stay at Noida for another month. You explore NCR. You hang out with best friend. You enjoy life like never before. Then its time for you to return home. Sadly and unwillingly, you pack your bags. Repack. Repack. Repack. Repack. Finally you buy another bag as you have more stuff than you imagined. Repack. You wish you had not quit job. You wish you could stay. You wonder what would have happened if you had not quit job. You promise to return to this wonderful place again.You board the train. You shed tears as your best friend waves at you and the train moves on. You hate to go away.You close your eyes and hope the journey would end soon. Next thing you know is that the train has halted at a dark, unknown station and will remain there for the next 4 hours. You sulk. Your phone battery is down from all the song hearing you did in the previous 2-3 hours. Your phone balance is low. You have big ugly men waiting to snatch your reserved seat. You fight with those men. You are scared to death.You have nothing to eat. You get sulkier. You reach home at 4 am. You cry for some time and wonder what would have happened otherwise. You whisper to yourself , "All is Well" and go to sleep.

AWFULLY TRUE

I can sketch willingly

I can paint unwillingly

I can write imaginatively

I can think creatively

I can cook loathfully

I can eat gladly

I can sing nervously

I can dance badly

I can laugh hysterically

I can cry unstoppably

I can smile sweetly

I can sob softly

I can love deeply

I can hate savagely

I can wait patiently

I can mock wickedly

I can get irritated easily

I can hope miserably

I can shout rudely

I can terrify brutally

I can work insanely

I can quit suddenly

I can explain bluntly

I can be unbelievably friendly, honestly blunt, surprisingly fun-loving, smilingly unhappy, busily free, enthusiastically confused, mournfully lazy, successfully unsuccessful, sincerely willing, eerily crazy, wrongly understood and thankfully unperturbed by it.

A REASON TO GO ON

This is what I feel about life... my life to be more exact. Sometimes when I am trying to find answers to things unknown, I come up with my own versions and answers. Some may be true, others may not. The important thing is to never give up and I am not giving up. 

Life is a beautiful mystery. At times we feel annoyed and frustrated, however as the mystery unfolds, we are bound to find a reason to smile. Every little sadness and tear makes sense as the picture gets completed. Every brush stroke however insignificant contributes to a lovely portrait. When things don't seem to make sense and all appears to be against us, we cry and complain and pose a series of whys to whoever would care to listen and answer. Does anybody really care? A jig-saw puzzle, that is what life is,.. too many bits here and there.. we try to fit one bit here and another there. Sometimes when everything gets jumbled up and we are about to give up, suddenly a bit falls into place and all that did not make any sense earlier now starts to make sense. The mystery gets unfolded in bits... just enough to keep us going. Blindfolded, we move on... we don't know whats next in store for us. Had we known... life would not have been mysterious and we wouldn't have a single reason to go on.

THE WHYs

Why is it that when we look back into time, it is only then that we realize that those were the best days of our life..
Why do we forget to show our love to the people we love the most, when they are around..
Why do we never follow our dreams and end up with regrets later..
Why can't we erase certain portions of our memory..
Why can't we make certain portions of our memory permanent..
Why don't things always happen the way we want them to..
Why does the phone battery/balance go low every time we need to make THE most important call ever..
Why do we fall sick on holidays..
Why is it so difficult to plan a friends' reunion..
Why is it that we can never say the right words at the right time..
Why do loved ones hurt us the most..
Why can't we be happy always..
.
.
.
Why is it so difficult to answer the above WHYs..?

OBSERVATION

I have this habit of observing people, unconsciously of course. Most of the times I find myself staring at complete strangers, carefully making a note of their every move in my memory. The sudden jolt into reality from my frequent unconscious observations leaves a permanent impression. At times, it is actually quite interesting. When I speak to people, I am able to recall funny incidents and facts I had silently observed at some point of time and I cannot help but smile when their words contradict their deeds. According to me, there are no dumb people on this earth. If there appear to be some, they are actually cleverly pretending or hiding something for some good reason. All sweet, chubby, gullible, stupid, innocent, smiling for no reason people are a shade cleverer than you would believe they are. Trust me, sometimes, they would be much smarter than you. Driven by pity at their low IQ, you would try to help them overcome their dumbness and would end up realizing your own level. Of course you can disagree!

CROSSROADS

The road gets divided into two. One leads me to a life I am most familiar with. It is the kind of life where I will have no worries, no stress. The other road leads me to a life I have always wanted for myself. This is the road that leads me to independence in all aspects of life. I don't  know if its the right choice but what I do know is that I would hate to give up once I choose this particular kind of life for myself. To give up and accept failure is not on the list. As a matter of fact, I have already chosen this road for myself. There are hurdles at every step. Nothing seems to go right at the moment. Every little hurdle reminds me of the road I did not follow. Every time I stumble, I am tempted to turn back and take the other road. It is easy to decide what is right and what is wrong when you are the spectator, but much harder when you have to decide for yourself.

A CUP OF TEA

I can write an article on anything related to it.. but when it comes to actually cooking something, I simply CANNOT. I dont mind it, but then everybody else seems to.
Preparing tea was also a big cannot for me until the last month. A few years ago, when I was about 18, an embarrassing incident took place. My parents were out and I was in the house with my grandmother. A few guests unfortunately crash landed. Somebody had to sit with them and the other somebody had to prepare tea. My grandmother decided to sit with them and asked me to bring in tea. I was in a fix. What could I do? I tried to plead with her from behind the curtain to come and help. She was not even looking in that direction. I even tried calling her but she chose to ignore. I also tried to make eye contact to somehow remind her that I cannot. I was hoping for an eye to eye communication that failed miserably when she asked me, " Kya hua beta?". As if I was in a position to answer. I chose to enter the kitchen. I did not know from where to begin. Should I boil water first or put in tea leaves.. or was it milk??? How much of each was another problem. I stood staring at the ceiling as if waiting for a divine intervention. I did not realize that a good fifteen minutes had come to an end. Suddenly I heard my grandmother exclaim from the living room, "Shobhita chai lao beta, arre tumko to chai banani nahi aati na..mujhe bulaya kyu nahi... isko chai banani nahi aati( to the guests), mai abhi aati hu". I wanted to disappear. The anouncement was a nightmare. My secret had been revealed. It seemed to me as if the entire world had come to know that Shobhita doesnt know how to make tea. The guests added to my plight, "Arre nahi aunty please aap pareshaan na hoyiye, hum log chai pi ke aaye hain ".
Finally, here at Noida, I had to make tea for myself since there was no alternative. Somehow I manage to make a decent cup of tea for myself. It was a big achievment when I made that first cup of tea. Inspired and motivated, I decided to cook as well. I announced this to my family and friends, brought in all required utensils and also bought vegetables to last a month. Everybody was excited. Me too. Afterall I was going to COOK. I explained to everybody how badly I needed to learn to cook. "Arre agar abhi nahi seekha to kab seekhungi. Akhir tiffin ka khana kab tak khaungi... ". My exciting venture lasted a week. It had started with excitement and ended in despair. I switched back to the tiffin system. I needed to eat food and not the ashes of the vegetables. Conclusion: COOKING and CANNOT are synonyms for me.

OUR MOMENT

I looked for it all around

Here and there and everywhere

I tried to seek it within myself

Digging up time and walking up the stair

I even went down the well of my thoughts

And opened the suitcases of past

With a microscope I analyzed the dots

For as long as my energy could last

I did all that I could to look for that moment

That I had so safely kept aside

For times when life would be a torment

When troubles would come in a high tide

What I didn’t realize was that the moment had grown

In a feeling that was deep and true

And which came with a promise to keep me safe forever

By introducing me to you

 (28th august '09)